Whose life is it anyway?

Just can’t stay away from this one, the more I try the more I keep get pulled in. And I have to say it loud and clear. This is my viewpoint, and it worked for me.

This post is a response to Nitin’s and G.Vishwanath’s comment on IHM's post

If it’s a love marriage, I bet you loved him because he did your bidding. That is until he was pitted against his parents. A man is either independent, or he will be a mama’s boy/jhoru ka ghulam, depending on perspectives. Dont expect your husband to be your shield, if you are independent enough and tactful enough to manage situations.

That’s insulting. No woman worth her salt will want a puppet for a husband. Being independent means being able to think for oneself, clearly and not get influenced by emotional factors. How many men can do that? Can you? I know I can.

A woman leaves everything behind to live with the husband, its not the other way around. She is not expecting him to be her shield, but have the courage to stand up and defend her when she is being insulted. Would you like it if your wife just sat smug while u were being insulted and actually told you that you deserved it? Wouldn't you want your wife to defend you?

We do have older generation’s point of view. Yet I don’t get how insulting another human being is justified. They are parents themselves and yet they sit and insult another’s parents? How can that be justified? Is it even respect worthy? How does one, the daughter in law for one, respect such people? Hell, even animals are respected for who they are. So why not, the daughter in law? She is human after all.

And the women who undergo this – why are you doing this to yourself? It is your life, please take charge of it. If you cannot respect your life, how can you expect others to respect it? And when you have a child of your own, what kind of a message are you sending to him/her? That it is absolutely OK to be treated this way or be the one hurling abuses? Yes, you might not be getting physically abused, he might be loyal, but this is emotional abuse and it is just as cruel. And yes, it does amount to Domestic Violence.

And to those who daughter’s are going through this.. Why? Why do you parents let your daughters stay in a sad, cruel relationship? Support her. She is a human and deserves to be treated like one.

Love marriage or Arrange marriage, ultimately it all boils down to Honesty, Loyalty and Respect. Actually Respect . A man who doesn’t have the spine to stand up for a woman, who left everything behind to be with him, doesn’t deserve her. The man who needs his mum’s permission to be a good husband and a father, just because his mom is around is not worth it. Love can only take one so far.

Take charge of your life, woman. Simply, cause its yours. And have courage, lots of it, will get you through your life.

Conversations

"Your parents got a son in law for very cheap" I didn't know he was for sale. If I had he wouldn't have become my husband.

"I lost my son. You snatched him away from me" Grow up woman. Whats gonna happen to him when your gone?

"All she does is insults us. She does not know how to talk to us! She is not a house wife. she goes to work and thinks just because she is independent she does not have to do any house work. " I'm sorry. Guess I'm incapable of communicating in your language. I'm ready to quit if my dear husband can support us and you!

"So what if your mum has cancer? Its not like she's dead!"

"Why didn't you have the courtesy of informing us that you were admitted in the hospital with labor pains? Why did your husband have to call and inform us?" Am I supposed to have my baby or put the labor on hold to call you!

"Since you did not think it was necessary for you to call us, we don't think it is appropriate that we accept your parents invitation to the party for the child."

"Since the children are not here, why should we come to your house for Diwali? Our relationship exists only because of our kids and if they are not here then there is not relationship at all."

"What seventh month function? There is no such thing? And it is not necessary that it should be done. I am in no mood to do that for you." So why then couldn't you explain the same thing to your mother when she asked you about it?

"Cancel your appointment for Friday. I am here, I will take you to your doctor's appointment on Saturday. Your father will come and pick you up from your parents home. You don't miss the function on Friday, everybody will be here." And as predicted *sigh* I'm still waiting...its been 8 months already!

"Oh I don't know when we will have the naming ceremony for the child. We haven't thought of it as yet. maybe in 2 or 4 months...who knows?" Yeah I know. It will never happen.

Heart Attack

"Lady in Rajkot strips and parades semi nude to protest against harassment" screamed the headlines. All the news channels showed her walk to the police commissioners office. Why did it take an extreme step by Puja Chauhan to get the court and the police to react? Could it not have been avoided? Had the print and electronic media not hyped it, giving it such a coverage would a case have been registered?

It takes a lot of courage, determination for a woman to take the decision of walking out of her marriage. She will take all the abuse, have her self esteem and confidence battered just to stay married for the sake of her children and society. The very man who vows to protect and love her, becomes her oppressor. She is tormented by another woman, her mother in law. She quietly takes it all. But there is a limit to ones endurance. When she is cornered and no where else to go, she chooses 2 options - to fight back or to give up. Giving up leads to suicide and fighting back needs a lot of courage and support (emotional and psychological from loved ones and society). When she chooses to lead a safe, secure and sheltered life away from her tormentors, why do cops and lawyers try to stop her, to get her to change her mind? Puja choose to fight back, the cops refused to file a complaint, didn't take her seriously. It was all routine for them. Did they want her to go back to her husband? Or just that they did not want the hassle of a small routine case? Her husband called her a prostitute. The police wants to file a case of indecency against her. There is more exposure in the Indian music videos and by the movie stars. Puja compared to them was much more decent.

Neetu was also troubled by her inlaws. Hers was an arranged marriage. One year after her marriage she decided to end it. Why? Domestic Violence. The lawyer she went to, refused to file her divorce. Instead he would counsel her on going back and to try to make amends as divorce is against the Indian traditions. Fed up and frustrated she turned to her aunt who counseled the lawyer. No woman would like to go back to her parents house after a failed marriage. She will try her best to make it work but it should not be done at the cost of her self esteem. What if she becomes a victim of dowry? Whose responsibility will that be? The cops who refused to file her case or the lawyer who wanted her to go back?

Prathiba married against her parents wishes. During the 10 year courtship she supported him both emotionally and financially, through his business downfalls. His parents were always loving and caring. 2 weeks after marriage they showed their true colours by mentally harassing her. One year later she got pregnant. The harassment continued and after delivery her husband joined them as well. The reason - Dowry and Girl child. She is still waiting for a divorce. Her lawyer counseled her to go back. Today her parents and her daughter are her biggest support.

There are countless cases like these. And it affects women of all economic strata. A lot of cases go unreported. Times are changing and more and more women are choosing to say no to domestic violence. Till men and women stop thinking that a woman cannot exist without a man,that she has no identity without a man, this will never change. As Michael J.Fox says " One's dignity may be assaulted,vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless surrendered."