Whose life is it anyway?

Just can’t stay away from this one, the more I try the more I keep get pulled in. And I have to say it loud and clear. This is my viewpoint, and it worked for me.

This post is a response to Nitin’s and G.Vishwanath’s comment on IHM's post

If it’s a love marriage, I bet you loved him because he did your bidding. That is until he was pitted against his parents. A man is either independent, or he will be a mama’s boy/jhoru ka ghulam, depending on perspectives. Dont expect your husband to be your shield, if you are independent enough and tactful enough to manage situations.

That’s insulting. No woman worth her salt will want a puppet for a husband. Being independent means being able to think for oneself, clearly and not get influenced by emotional factors. How many men can do that? Can you? I know I can.

A woman leaves everything behind to live with the husband, its not the other way around. She is not expecting him to be her shield, but have the courage to stand up and defend her when she is being insulted. Would you like it if your wife just sat smug while u were being insulted and actually told you that you deserved it? Wouldn't you want your wife to defend you?

We do have older generation’s point of view. Yet I don’t get how insulting another human being is justified. They are parents themselves and yet they sit and insult another’s parents? How can that be justified? Is it even respect worthy? How does one, the daughter in law for one, respect such people? Hell, even animals are respected for who they are. So why not, the daughter in law? She is human after all.

And the women who undergo this – why are you doing this to yourself? It is your life, please take charge of it. If you cannot respect your life, how can you expect others to respect it? And when you have a child of your own, what kind of a message are you sending to him/her? That it is absolutely OK to be treated this way or be the one hurling abuses? Yes, you might not be getting physically abused, he might be loyal, but this is emotional abuse and it is just as cruel. And yes, it does amount to Domestic Violence.

And to those who daughter’s are going through this.. Why? Why do you parents let your daughters stay in a sad, cruel relationship? Support her. She is a human and deserves to be treated like one.

Love marriage or Arrange marriage, ultimately it all boils down to Honesty, Loyalty and Respect. Actually Respect . A man who doesn’t have the spine to stand up for a woman, who left everything behind to be with him, doesn’t deserve her. The man who needs his mum’s permission to be a good husband and a father, just because his mom is around is not worth it. Love can only take one so far.

Take charge of your life, woman. Simply, cause its yours. And have courage, lots of it, will get you through your life.

She..

She is worshiped
She is treasured
She is given all the luxuries of life that can be offered

Yet

She does not have Freedom

Freedom to make her own choices
Freedom to make her own mistakes
Freedom to live her life in her own terms
Freedom to learn from her own mistakes

Give her an education
Give her a chance to make it worthwhile
Give her a chance to grow, show her the love and watch her blossom

She is no less than a son.

Say NO to Gender Inequality and Female Infanticide.

Edited to Add:

Don't miss EnGeetham's goose bumpy poem here

Cross posted on No Gender Inequality and Unchaahi

Moral Policing and India!

What is moral policing? Moral Policing is in actuality a religious police or Clerical Police and it exists in Saudi Arabia. In India it seems to be an attempt to control the cultural and moral atmosphere prevalent in society. How did it start here in India, an amalgamation of cultures and traditions? See how it has grown in the South...It seems to me that this is the quick fast approach taken by political groups to gain mileage.

The shameful brutal attack in Mangalore is evidence of an increasing intolerance thanks to moral policing in society. Exactly who has given the right to Rama Sena to protect us? What I am appalled at is the confidence with which the unlawful attack was carried out. What is more disturbing is that Women are being targeted. Good to know that the NCW will be probing the attack.

Though nothing much has changed in the past 4 years. This was the case in 2005 and it still rings true.

Thanks to the media, who have been telecasting the incident over and over again there have been close to 27 arrests made. The erstwhile chief Pramod Mutalik has finally been arrested for the Mangalore case.

Women are being misused and misguided. We oppose this. Women have to be protected as the law has failed. We are the custodians of Indian Culture, Pramod Mutalik | President, RHS

Who exactly is misguiding and misusing Women? If the law has failed, work towards setting the law right. Taking the law in your own hands does not solve the problem. It makes you criminal in the eyes of law. Hooliganism is not the answer. And who made you the custodians of Indian culture? Who has given you the right to morally police us, especially the women. if they are so interested in uplifting and defending our virtues there are a number of cases they can take up. Female foeticide, Rape, Domestic Violence...to name a few. Work towards enriching a woman's safety and future instead of harassing her. And why specifically target the pub culture? Relaxing with friends is no crime. If they object to the drinking then they really should practice what they preach.

And which religion says violence and subjugation is the way to preserve Indian Culture? Educate the men that women are not mere objects of sexual desire. They are living human beings too with their own desires, wants and feelings and ambition. If the men are taught to behave and not believe that they are gods gift to man kind, such outfits will have no place in our country. Does Indian culture mean being a Hindu and not socialising with people of "other religions"?

And banning the outfit is really not the solution. All of them have to be booked and suitably tried in court. Why does our government shy of trying them. Anytime any outfit takes the law into their own hands, they talk of banning them as though that will solve the problem and keep the common people happy.

Their method was wrong. I apologise for that. It should not have happened. But it was done to save our daughters and mothers from an alien culture," a defiant Muthalik said

yea right! first you attack and then apologise! I love it when the media does get responsible and Arnab deserves a pat on the back. My biggest grouse is that this whole incident could have been avoided had the media that was present been responsible and informed the police of the attack.

This whole hog wash about protecting and guiding women stems from the fact that today women are more independent and are refusing to be subjugated. Today she is demanding equal rights to everything. She is a liberated woman today and the fact that she does not have to depend on any man is a major cause for grievance for such outfits. That is the primary reason why the women are being targeted.

I'd really like to let go of my religion and be only known as an Indian and not be classified by my religion or gender. how many would like to do that? And just imagine if all of us just denounce our religion, not faith in god. Wouldn't that be a great way to live, in harmony. That is a far away dream.

India Helps!

In wake of the Mumbai Terror, there are so many who have helped, and those who would like to help but do not know how. For those, Kiran has started India Helps, an effort to help in anyway possible. The description below is straight copy and paste from the blog description.

What is IndiaHelps?

This blog is an effort to help. Help India, help ourselves to help ourselves. Because if we dont do it, no one will. Anyone with an urge to do more than just be a bystander to the carnage and mayhem that wrecks the parts of our country everytime we have a disaste r causes by external elements or through natural causes, can help.We will maintain a database of people who are in a position and are willing to be of assistance, either immediately during the crisis itself, or later in relief and rehabilitation.We will put people wanting to contribute financially to victims in direct contact with NGOs doing the same or the victims directly.We will look for good samaritans who are willing to contribute towards medical expenses, post traumatic therapy requirements, and prosthesis requirements for those rendered disabled in such situations.We will attempt to sponsor the education of the bereaved children by putting dedicated and serious citizens who wish to do so in direct contact with the bereaved family.We have many hopes. And need all the help we can. We're looking for those who can contribute skills at the times of crisis: Doctors, medically trained personnel, ex-army personnel, even anyone who has a vehicle and is willing to drive critically injured people to hospitals or ferry people from danger spots to safe zones. Anyone with a space that can be used a s a refuge area for people stuck in times of natural calamities like floods or total power blackouts, please do write in.Write in to indiahelps(at)gmail(dot)com if you would like to help in anyway, or have any suggestions.

Kiran Manral
Founder

Do contact Kiran at indiahelps(at)gmail(dot)com if you can help with donations, food, clothes or other specialized services. Also you could get the message across by adding this badge on your blog.

Code to the badge:

<p>
<a href="http://indiahelps.blogspot.com/">
<img border="0" width="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_4HbPo51QNlo/SWbFLwCWqYI/AAAAAAAAABc/v07FtSX5c3Y/S220/india+Helps+Logo+080109.jpg" height="175"/></a></p>

The Period Revolution!

The Pandora's Box is open.

I'm sure when thought room wrote her tale on periods she never expected this kind of a reaction. I don't like leaving mini posts as comments so did my own. And that was it. Till the mad momma hopped on to the band wagon. Literally! the stats shot up and so did the related posts.

While Clueless and Chandini are with us on the crazy traditions, Lavs has the totally opposite perspective. And Mamma of twins just itching to write had to pen her thoughts down too.

Here's Neha and Tamil Punkster views

Roop-The one person who never heard of such "crazy" customs and traditions.

And here's La Vida Loca's Menstrual Maladies

A great summation by Radical Ancient

note: will add more as and when I come across them.

Have a Happy Period!

Does anybody ever have one? what with the pms, the hormones going crazy , the pain and all.. and to top it the crazy stupid Indian traditions and customs that start when you get your period for the first time and continue life long, unless of course you are blessed into a liberated family.

There is this crazy tradition in the south when a girl gets her period for the first time, matures into womanhood. Matures?? getting periods is maturing!!??? I thought maturity is a state of mind regardless of the age. Maybe something I missed here.

Getting back to the tradition, I'm not sure how many follow this, but in school quite a few of my friends had to undergo this crazy nonsense. there was major ritual, and a procession taken out on the streets, complete with band baja..like a wedding barat..and then a scrumptious meal for all the relatives. So basically what is a very private matter suddenly the whole town, your family and strangers included know. " Oh.. this girl can produce babies now!"

As if this humiliation wasn't enough for those 7 days every month, she has to endure worse. Treated like a leper, stealing in and out of the house only adds fuel to fire. The reason this was followed in the olden days was simply because, there was no such thing as sanitary pads, there was only cloth. And coupled with the pain, emotional heavels and not to mention the staining it made sense to be by your self. And plus you got the much needed rest from house work.

Following the same thing in the name of tradition and custom is sheer stupidity. We need to let go of certain customs like this as they do not make sense. This is the reason why women were kept secluded and not because its unpure and dirty.

When I got my period for the first time, it was the holidays and mum was so chilled out. Thank god no crazy customs and traditions. A head bath and I was done. Of course my maid servant would have non of it and was preparing to seclude me and what not. But my mum would have none of it and bit her head off. So I got to eat my lunch in peace and sleep in the afternoon, a luxury which was not allowed. I was thrilled. But not when I got to know about my friends and the humiliation they had to face. Their mothers had no choice either as the elders of the family demanded it and tradition was tradition. My mum had only one condition, do not enter the puja room for the first 3 days, and 4th day after a head bath. Yea I was also not allowed to exercise and told to rest a lot.

Looking at my friends all from the south suffered this humiliation, but my north Indian friends had the same experience as mine. I really don't know if such a custom exists as I never came across it.

You cherish a woman. It is the woman who is responsible of bringing a new life. Menses/Periods is just another cleansing of our bodies. If men also had menses, do you think they would be treated as impure as a leper that a woman is made to undergo? I think not.

We as women must stop this practice. Raise a voice against it. It has to start somewhere. The only reason women are still treated this way is because they take it lying down, accept that since this has been happening for ever it should and will continue to do so. I only wish that the coming generations do not follow and raise their voice against it.

With my daughter, she will have the liberty to walk into the puja room if she wishes to. I am not going to stop her. Having periods is not impurity, its natural cleansing of your body. And God made us this way. Be Proud cause this is what gives us the power to give birth. Calling it impure is calling the whole process of reproduction impure!

We as women should be real proud of ourselves, and not sell ourselves short, or demean ourselves and be demeaned in the name of religion. Only then would we have a happy period.
Its very matter of fact to me. Just a part of life and I think it is so because of my mum and the way she handled the whole thing at the onset. That makes such a huge difference.

Of course I use it to my advantage. Get that leave when you so desperately want it. Works best if your boss happens to be a man. No man worth his salt wants to talk to a woman about periods. They get so damn squeamish. Its hilarious. And a lot of women do use it to their advantage. In one of my brief stint at a BPO, the women used it all the time. And their Team Leaders could do nothing but grumble about it. This one instance really stands out. Attrition is very high, plus its the holiday season so most don't turn up to work. And we fall short of staff. So all of us log in to pitch in. Didn't matter if you are sick, if you are a TL you got too report to work. This one lady wanted a break, a loo break, kept asking for 15 min but the TL on the floor wouldn't give her one, till her turn came. so she did the next best thing. Paused in the middle of her call, stood up and announced that since she has her period, she would like to change her pad. So can she take a break after this call is over. Asked very sweetly,to the embarrassment of the TL, who never said no to another woman again.

edited to add: reading MM's post reminded me of this one incident which happened in school. Every year we would go on a 5-7 day excursion. Usually most girls esp the seniors would take tablets to postpone their periods as they did not want them during the trip. But for this one girl, the tablets failed to work. Now I studied in a co-ed school and boys were very much part of this trip. So there all these students were resting on the marble stone slabs in their white uniforms. When they get up to go these is this huge stain on her skirt and the stones are bloody. Embarrassed she begins to cry. This guy takes charge: sends one of the other guys with a few girls to get her pads and a change of clothes, gets the girls to form a circle around her and gets down to clean the place up. Not every man is squeamish.

Periods, pain when you get them and even bigger cause for worry if you don't get them!

Read what Thought Room has to say on the same here

Edited again to add: Just when I had thought that every woman hated these stupid traditions and will not allow it to continue with her daughter, this lady made me sit up. Here is the proof that an educated modern woman enjoys and find no wrong with the isolation.