Whose life is it anyway?

Just can’t stay away from this one, the more I try the more I keep get pulled in. And I have to say it loud and clear. This is my viewpoint, and it worked for me.

This post is a response to Nitin’s and G.Vishwanath’s comment on IHM's post

If it’s a love marriage, I bet you loved him because he did your bidding. That is until he was pitted against his parents. A man is either independent, or he will be a mama’s boy/jhoru ka ghulam, depending on perspectives. Dont expect your husband to be your shield, if you are independent enough and tactful enough to manage situations.

That’s insulting. No woman worth her salt will want a puppet for a husband. Being independent means being able to think for oneself, clearly and not get influenced by emotional factors. How many men can do that? Can you? I know I can.

A woman leaves everything behind to live with the husband, its not the other way around. She is not expecting him to be her shield, but have the courage to stand up and defend her when she is being insulted. Would you like it if your wife just sat smug while u were being insulted and actually told you that you deserved it? Wouldn't you want your wife to defend you?

We do have older generation’s point of view. Yet I don’t get how insulting another human being is justified. They are parents themselves and yet they sit and insult another’s parents? How can that be justified? Is it even respect worthy? How does one, the daughter in law for one, respect such people? Hell, even animals are respected for who they are. So why not, the daughter in law? She is human after all.

And the women who undergo this – why are you doing this to yourself? It is your life, please take charge of it. If you cannot respect your life, how can you expect others to respect it? And when you have a child of your own, what kind of a message are you sending to him/her? That it is absolutely OK to be treated this way or be the one hurling abuses? Yes, you might not be getting physically abused, he might be loyal, but this is emotional abuse and it is just as cruel. And yes, it does amount to Domestic Violence.

And to those who daughter’s are going through this.. Why? Why do you parents let your daughters stay in a sad, cruel relationship? Support her. She is a human and deserves to be treated like one.

Love marriage or Arrange marriage, ultimately it all boils down to Honesty, Loyalty and Respect. Actually Respect . A man who doesn’t have the spine to stand up for a woman, who left everything behind to be with him, doesn’t deserve her. The man who needs his mum’s permission to be a good husband and a father, just because his mom is around is not worth it. Love can only take one so far.

Take charge of your life, woman. Simply, cause its yours. And have courage, lots of it, will get you through your life.

Another First

I love freedom. I love the rush of wind in my hair when I ride my bike. Needless to say I fall in the category of fast riders not rash. "Your daughter rides real fast" is something my father has grown accustomed to. Belonging to a family of rally drivers this really should'nt surprise him. But as a parent he naturally wants me to be careful. My teenage years have been full of admonishments from relatives and the like. I was even told that my license would get revoked and I would have to appear in court. Ever since then I have wondered what it would be like to appear in court.

Well, I found out yesterday!

I filed a petition for divorce in the family court yesterday.

Judge: Why are you here?
Me: To file for a divorce
Judge: What does your husband do?
Me: Business
Judge: And what do you do?
Me: Staying with my parents, looking after my daughter.
Judge: (nodding her head, looking at the calender) Next hearing on 12/02

and my first day of court was done. My lawyer says I did good.

And I say, this is not going to get me any of my money back, all it will get me is my divorce on ex-party decree. No maintenance no alimony. Lord please prove me wrong. Please.

Free Falling

My angel loves to free fall. Esp on the bed, cushions and on the divan. And if she knows that you are are there to catch her, even on the floor. Though she prefers the soft landing. She has started to balance herself and after a few practice runs on the softer falls, she has started balancing on the floor these days.

That she hasn't started walking yet is of no worry to me, relatives be damned. I do not want to rush her. My naturaopath advised introducing her to a walker to build her courage. She loves to explore and my arms and back are a sore witness to it :)

Will be getting her a walker tomorrow, lets see how that goes. Hopefully I will be able to do much more work. Fingers crossed!

Wow just realized its been over 2 months since my last post.. like they say better late than never.

First Cut

My angel had her first fall two days back, she bled for the first time and had me in panic. It turned out to be a minor cut, but made me realize that whenever your child is hurt, the mother should never panic, instead should be calm and collected. Else you will only land up scaring your child more.

It was also the first day that she tasted ice. It was a usual day, lunch time. She like to crawl and play around while having her lunch. And as usual she was running away from the spoon when she fell flat on the floor. She cut her lip, of course she didn't let me see or touch her lip until much later. Her lip had swollen and after some ice rub, it was much better. But not without scaring me and a hospital visit in panic!

Turn Around

Sweet Lime chopped into squares sprinkled with salt and pepper is a favorite. It was just another lazy Sunday evening when I was having this dreading the thought of going back to work on Monday. Little did I know how my life was about to change!

I wake up feeling sick. Bad throat. decided to make myself sage infusion. And thats when it starts. Vomiting. I'm taking out everything. Just when I think I couldn't handle any more it stops. Phew! So I leave for work on my bike and bang in the middle of a traffic jam I can feel the bile rising up. Luckily the signal turns green, so I go a little ahead and park on one side and puke my guts out. I make it to my office only to feel really sick. After about 3 hours I decide to go back home. So my hubby comes to get me as I'm too sick to ride my bike. We decide to have lunch and go home. Bad Idea. I cant eat anything. By now he is really worried. I just want to go home and sleep. So we put off going to the doctor till I've slept for some time. My boss and my colleagues have already started teasing me sying that I could be preg. But I didn't miss my period so I'm not overtly worried. By the time we reach home I have a temperature. So I finally get some sleep and I'm ok. Back to work the next day.

A week later the same thing happens again। This time I'm worried। So I take an afternoon off to see the doc. I'm asked to get a sonography done. And thats when I get to know Im 12 weeks pregnant. When the lab assistant tells me that Im preg, I refused to believe her, so She showed me the monitor. Up until then I had not wanted a child. Why? I wasnt mentally, physically and finaclially ready. And was prepared to terminate it. But when the Assistant showed me the monitor and I saw my baby, her legs, hands, back, head.I was in LOVE! I knew I couldn't be a murderer. It took me a good 5 min to realise that I was looking at my baby. I can still see that image. And I could'nt wipe my grin.

Today she is 11 months old and the most precious thing in the whole world. She has singlehandedly brought about a 360 degree change in me. I am no longer short tempered, don't get hyper easily, am so much more calmer and my feathers don't get ruffled easily. My mum recovered faster because of her. She is our stress buster and with a smile to light up the whole room. I could go on and on about her and it would never end :)

Its been more than a year now and so much has changed since then. I walked out of an abusive relationship, choosing to raise my daughter by my self. So now I'm a single mom, waiting for her divorce to come through; looking at the world through my daughters eye, rediscovering all that I had lost. in short learning all over again without a days regret.

Conversations

"Your parents got a son in law for very cheap" I didn't know he was for sale. If I had he wouldn't have become my husband.

"I lost my son. You snatched him away from me" Grow up woman. Whats gonna happen to him when your gone?

"All she does is insults us. She does not know how to talk to us! She is not a house wife. she goes to work and thinks just because she is independent she does not have to do any house work. " I'm sorry. Guess I'm incapable of communicating in your language. I'm ready to quit if my dear husband can support us and you!

"So what if your mum has cancer? Its not like she's dead!"

"Why didn't you have the courtesy of informing us that you were admitted in the hospital with labor pains? Why did your husband have to call and inform us?" Am I supposed to have my baby or put the labor on hold to call you!

"Since you did not think it was necessary for you to call us, we don't think it is appropriate that we accept your parents invitation to the party for the child."

"Since the children are not here, why should we come to your house for Diwali? Our relationship exists only because of our kids and if they are not here then there is not relationship at all."

"What seventh month function? There is no such thing? And it is not necessary that it should be done. I am in no mood to do that for you." So why then couldn't you explain the same thing to your mother when she asked you about it?

"Cancel your appointment for Friday. I am here, I will take you to your doctor's appointment on Saturday. Your father will come and pick you up from your parents home. You don't miss the function on Friday, everybody will be here." And as predicted *sigh* I'm still waiting...its been 8 months already!

"Oh I don't know when we will have the naming ceremony for the child. We haven't thought of it as yet. maybe in 2 or 4 months...who knows?" Yeah I know. It will never happen.